The Perfect Love

You may ask if there is such a thing as perfect love, and I am to tell you that the answer is yes. 

Perfect love is an expression of God’s love for us, and for so long, I was blinded to that fact until the blinders were removed. I had to learn how to reflect that perfect love back to God, and when I did so, my life changed for the better.

I wonder if my choices concerning my life would’ve been different if I knew there was an all-powerful being that nothing could compare to loved me before I was created in my mother’s womb, but I wasn’t aware of His love for me. 

I wonder if knowing that information would have changed my views on having a father figure in my life and somehow changed the trajectory of feeling abandoned and unwanted as a child when it came to not having a Father.

I wonder if my choice in romantic relationships would have been different if I had known He loved me first. See, I had the tendency to attract broken individuals who were broke like me, and I thought I could be the one to fix them. I was trying to be a Savior for them because I had no one to save me.

I wonder, if I knew He loved me first, would I still choose the life of sin and living carefree, not caring who I hurt along the way, as long as I was free to be me?

If I had known He loved me first, would I have given in to people-pleasing and done all I could to make people like me? Would I continue to bury who I was inside while pretending to be someone I was not?

Maybe I will never know, but I do know this: God loved me, and when I realized how much He did by sacrificing His only son. I knew I had to sacrifice my will for His and walk His chosen path. It was time to lay my selfishness down and put Him first.

He was my first love, and I wasn’t aware until it was too late.

I projected my feelings towards someone who couldn’t return them back.

It left me feeling unloved and abandoned.

He was the one who was supposed to be the blueprint on how a man was supposed to love a woman, but I now realize he couldn’t show me something he never experienced.

I grew up with the issues of abandonment because I depended on him to show me the way, and the hate I had in my heart for him led me down a road of mistrust and disdain when it came to men.

Why would any man I meet stay with me when the man who I shared the same DNA couldn’t stay.

I felt unworthy of love, and I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t enough for him.

If only I knew that he wasn’t the one I was to model my worth after.

If only I knew at the time my first love wanted me and was calling out to me.

Why couldn’t I hear His call?

Did my hatred for the one who abandoned me cut off the connection to Him?

I was so busy looking back on the pain he caused that I didn’t take the time to learn that my first love was always there for me, even when my earthly Father abandoned me.

My first love was there, but my blindness and hatred for the one I thought would love me clouded the connection I shared with my first love.

It took me years to forgive the one I thought would love me and come to terms with the fact that my first love sacrificed His life for me.

My first love, please forgive me for not seeing you were the blueprint I should’ve been following.

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