Some individuals offer me their sorry when they read what I post. Some poems and stories are based on my experiences, and some are based on my imagination and how I would like to think or would react if I lost someone I love to suicide.
This piece came to me in my time of devotion to God. I don’t know if I was picking up on someone else’s pain or if Jesus gave me these words because He knew someone out there may be experiencing this. I don’t understand why people choose to end their lives, but I know why I wanted to.
About thirteen years ago, I tried to leave this world because everything in my life at the time was going wrong. There was no end to the pain and misfortune around me. I couldn’t see any way out, and death seemed like the way to go.
I had the plan in my head and the note ready. I made the phone calls to say my subtle goodbyes without giving a hint, but God intervened and sent two of my best friends to my house. They knew something was wrong when I couldn’t speak it to them.
My thoughts had me on the edge, and giving up seemed like the best option. Little did I know God had a purpose for me, and that wasn’t the way He wanted me to go. My life is full of testimonies of God’s goodness. That’s why I try to encourage others and speak life into them. We all are fighting battles known and unknown, and I am here to offer you hope that I find in Jesus Christ.
The sound of the sobs was overwhelming,
The constant crying brought a headache out of this world.
My thoughts wouldn’t stop shouting,
The room wouldn’t stop spinning, no matter how tightly I closed my eyes.
This pain was different,
A part of me had been broken with no repair in sight,
I hated everything about this moment, yet I was powerless to do anything about it.
Crying wasn’t the answer, and neither was hiding from the pain,
I wanted to end it all,
This life wasn’t made for me,
It was full of so much pain and tragedy.
How could I muster one more day of these afflictions?
I never would have chosen this life,
If I knew you wouldn’t be here by my side.
If it were my decision, you would still be here,
If I were the creator of the universe, I would change every decision that led to this moment, but since I am not, I must accept His will even if I don’t understand.
No goodbye was spoken, only swollen eyes and disbelief as I heard the news,
One minute, you were here searching to fill the void, and the next, you were taking your life because of the pain that you no longer could endure,
I wish I had the words to bring you back.
I wish I had been with you on that night,
I wish you would’ve sought me during your time of need,
I could go on with the wishes, but it won’t change the fact that I lost you because you refused to fight.
Copyright ©️2025 Charlene L. Morris. All Rights Reserved
Spoken Thoughts 
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