From Blame to Belief

When Pain Shapes Our View of God

For a long time, I stood on the outside looking in.

I never wanted to give God a chance because of my past. The pain I experienced shaped how I saw Him. Instead of seeking Him, I blamed Him.

I blamed Him for the loss.

I blamed Him for the hurt.

I blamed Him for the things I did not understand.

What I did not realize at the time was that the enemy had a plan.

If he could convince me that God was the one responsible for my pain, then I would never seek God for myself. I would stay distant. I would remain outside looking in.

And for a while, that is exactly where I stayed.

But what the enemy did not know was that God had another plan.

God Had a Plan for My Upbringing

Even in my resistance, even in my anger, God never gave up on me.

He was watching over me,

Protecting me,

Waiting for the moment when my heart would finally respond.

I now realize that my upbringing, my experiences, and even my pain were not wasted.

God intends to use it all.

Not just to heal me but to reach others.

The losses I experienced, including the loss of my baby boy and my spouse, brought a depth of pain that words can barely capture. For a long time, I questioned why.

Truthfully, I still do not fully understand.

But I now know this: God wastes nothing.

What feels like devastation can become part of a greater purpose in God’s hands.

When I Finally Came In

Eventually, something changed.

Instead of standing on the outside, I chose to come in.

I chose to open my heart to the One I had been avoiding for so long.

I made the decision to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

And in that moment, I realized something powerful: He was the One I had been missing all along.

Even when I blamed Him for everything that went wrong, He never abandoned me.

He never walked away.

Instead, He gently tugged at my heart until I finally responded.

The Battle After the Decision

Choosing Jesus did not suddenly make life easy.

In fact, the enemy fought harder once I made that decision.

He began accusing me of my past.

Reminding me of every mistake,

Every failure.

Every moment I once used to run from God.

But now I know the truth.

Through the shedding of Jesus’ blood, my sins have been washed away.

I am forgiven.

The accusations of the enemy no longer define me.

Choosing to Live for Jesus

Today, I refuse to allow the enemy’s schemes to derail my walk with God.

My past does not control my future.

My pain is not pointless.

My story is not over.

I am no longer living for myself.

I have chosen to live for Jesus.

And if my upbringing, my pain, and my journey can help even one person turn toward God instead of away from Him, then every step of this journey will have been worth it.

Reflection

Sometimes the enemy uses pain to push us away from God.

But God can use that very same pain to draw us closer to Him.

The question is not whether we have been hurt.

The question is whether we will stay on the outside looking in or step inside and discover who God truly is.